2017 was the year.

This was the year i didn’t see coming—the one that shook me out of complacency. When i learned to stop being compliant, to demand what was rightfully mine, refuse to settle for anything less than i deserve.

This was the year that came with a gentle tap on the shoulder, reminding me of who i was and what i could be, if only i’d just open my arms and let the light in, stop over-thinking and start living. Give myself permission to fall as long as i got back up again.

-Lang Leav

With only two days to welcome 2018, i am writing this in my room at 2 am, thinking what have i done during the year. Then suddenly i start to question myself. Am i proud of who i am now?

I started the year 2017 with worries and hopes and prayers and waits. I was waiting for Bina Antarbudaya’s announcement of my AFS placement. Then exactly on my birthday, i got an email that said i was placed in Finland.

Next few months i spent with doing AFS paperworks. Which was a lot. And i had to longer my passport (it was really frustrating), then a Finnish resident permit that took about a month, do medical checkups and so on. With all the hectic going, i still have school to be cared about.

On 17th August 2017, I was reaaally excited to leave. I couldn’t wait for this day to come. I didn’t even cry at the airport when i left my family. Which was weird, because i expected a lot of tears coming out. But no, not a single tear came out of my eye.

Here i am, spending my 17th year of my life in a totally different country, far away from home, building another life in Finland. It’s been roughly 4 months. I’m almost halfway! Wow, time flies.

Back then, i used to think like, “exchange students are so cool, i want to be like them, presenting Indonesia and bla bla bla” but now i’m here, i just feel like it’s my normal life, you know? It’s so weird. But it’s a good kind of weird because it means that i’m already settled. Well, at least that’s what i think.

So if you ask me, am i proud of who i am now? The answer is: yes, and no. Yes, i am proud that i could make it this far, but no, i am not satisfied yet. Being here makes me realize that i know literally nothing about this world. I had deep conversations with different kinds of people and it often made me surprised and there will always be new things.

And I am grateful.

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A piece of advice

Destroy the idea that you can only be a certain thing if you’re good at it. If you make art because you love it, you’re an artist. If writing is your passion, you’re a writer. If you love making music, you’re a musician. Same goes for everything else. Don’t feel like you’re not good enough to do anything. Keep doing what you love and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

The paragraph you read above was not made by me. I found it on the internet and it was so well said i had to post it.

Keep your head up, your tiara is falling.

Love, from 10270 kms away.

I Was Dying

First i was dying to finish high school and start college.

And then i was dying to finish college and start working.

And then i was dying to marry and have children.

And then i was dying for my children to grow old enough for school so i could return to work.

And then i was dying to retire.

And now i am dying… and suddenly i realize i forgot to live.

– Anonymous

Submitted by Nicole Zablocki


Positive pain

There are days where you feel unloved. You will look around and see your family and lovers, and you will not have that. But not every day is going to be a good day, and that’s okay. You are allowed to feel sad and cry. Just remember to always come back and put a smile.

Turn your pain into a positive way by doing things that you love. That’s how you can get distracted. Once you are distracted, when you look back you won’t feel pain anymore because it’s in the past. It is what it is. And you have come to accept it.

And remember, happiness is not derived from others loving you. Happiness comes from loving yourself.

And the universe said, “I love you, because you are love.”

 Cheers! ❤

When i fall, i fall so hard.

“Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.”

That’s the thing with falling in love.

Love gives you goosebumps and endless butterflies, also happiness and sadness at the same time. It makes your brain doesn’t work properly. You get excited whenever they’re around but you’re too shy to say hi. Your heart beats really fast as if it wants to fall out of your chest.  Love is simple, yet so hard to understand.

Trust me, i know. 😂😭

I was broken once and it is hard for me to fall in love ever since. I’m just scared that all the happiness that happens to me when i’m in love they are all just in my head and it’s difficult to differ which one is reality and which one isn’t.

I just don’t wanna be fooled by something that is so ‘ephemeral’ as love. 

Then again, it’s hard for me to fall in love, but once i fall, i fall so hard.

Falling in love is scary, okay. Once you’re attached to someone, you’re screwed. Like, everytime you do something he/she is always on your mind. Literally always. You always think about them. They’ll never leave your brain even when you’re asleep. They can make you laugh and be happy but also make you sad like the entire world is ending. And then you will start to worry and everything doesn’t make sense. You are screwed. But you are happy it’s weird.

But honestly, lately i’ve been feeling this weird ticklish thing inside my stomach and everytime he is around i’m always excited. Is that it? Am i in love again? I’m not sure….

But if so,

then i’m screwed but happy too.

😭❤

(guilty) Pleasures

– What is guilty pleasure?

I’m glad you asked.

A guilty pleasure is something you like but you don’t want others to know about.

– What is your guilty pleasure(s)?

Without being questioned, i would answer:

1. Food

I looooove food. I know i am a type of person who could easily get fat. But still, i can’t resist food! 😅 And for example, if i’m hanging out with my friends at the mall, and i don’t have much left on my wallet, i’d rather spend the money on food so they are not wasted in vain.

giphyy

2. Sleep

I could turn into a nocturnal person when i have something interesting for me to do at night. Such as watching movies (or probably Korean dramas), blogging – figuring out what theme should i use and always end up with the same theme without changing a thing, or just enjoy surfing the internet. I would sleep at 4 am in the morning, and wake up at 1 pm while the sun is above our heads.

For me, being alone at night while everybody else in the house is sleeping is peaceful. You don’t have to be interrupted by anybody. Unless there’s something else, though; an invisible thing, trying to communicate with you. Well, if that’s the case, you’re screwed. 🙂

3. Watch satisfying videos

O H M Y G O D, this one! Love it love it love it! Watch satisfying videos could give me this weird feeling of excitement and amazed by it. I enjoy watching @annettelabedzki‘s paint videos or @i_ce_ny‘s rolled ice cream videos on Instagram, and i also love watching food porn, like YAAASSS. Their videos never fail making me look like this, literally:

love-eyes

4. Listening to a guy speaking with an accent

I mean, who doesn’t? 😉 I could listen to a guy with an accent talk all day long.

5. Not having to workout during holidays

Or store up some fat, literally.☺️ And always end up regretting it and then complain, while i eat more.

And done! Tell me in the comment section what are your guilty pleasures!

In response to : Pleasure

What’s the purpose of your existence?

Oh sh*t that was a deep question.

Most of us have no clue what we want to do with our lives. ‘Just go with the flow.’ we said. But isn’t it important to know what we want to do and makes us happy? 

I oftenly think about this matter. What do i want to do with my life? What am i passionate about? I have no idea. And it’s making me nuts.

After i finish school, and get a job, i don’t want to find myself in the future thinking, “What am i doing here? I don’t even like doing this.” And that’s it. I won’t be living a happy life with such burden.

Here’s the truth. We exist on this planet for some unknown period of time. During that time we do things. Some of these things are important, some of them don’t. And those important things give our lives meaning and happiness. The unimportant ones basically just to kill time.

There’s no reason for you to be complaining while sitting on your coach all day eating chips. You should get your ass off and go outside. Be out there. Discover what makes you happy and what feels important to you.

It’s a matter if choice.

As long as you’re happy, just do it.

Even if it’s to watch cat videos on the internet.😉